no.stupid.answers

Is the case of of Tilikum vs. Branchaeu an instance of murder in the first degree or a simple act of animal instincts?

No one other than Tilikum knows what was going on in his head on Wednesday, February 24th, when he grabbed Dawn Brancheau, a veteran SeaWorld trainer, by the ponytail – and drowned her.

But, I would like to make an educated guess: Tilikum knew exactly what he was doing; I would even go so far as to say he waited for an audience to make his point ever clearer.

Am I anthropomorphosizing? Totally.

Do I have any basis for my hypothesis? You betcha.

First, a few facts about killer whales (aka Orcinus Orca, aka Cetaceanus premeditates killius) to make my case:

1. Tilikum is intelligent- in fact he’s a straight up Genius.

Although Scientists argue over how to measure true intelligence (self awareness tests, tool use, etc…) almost all agree on one fact: brain/body proportions have a direct correlation to intelligence; The bigger, heavier and more ‘wrinkly’ the brain, in comparison to body size , the smarter the animal. This is known as the Encephalization Quotient or EQ. According to these standards, that would make Cetaceans (whales and dolphins) among the smartest animals in the world, second only to you, me and the rest of our fellow Homo sapiens. Although EQ varies widely between species, the Orca has an EQ of 2.57, which is below the human EQ of 7.44, but is still one of the highest among mammals.

Skeptical? Argue your point through SONAR. Oh right – you can’t.

2. Killer Whales that are trained get punished – and that sucks.

Take it from a former zookeeper-a lot goes on behind closed doors. Visitors don’t get to see it all, and this includes punishment. By NO means am I alluding to animal abuse, I’m talking about positive/negative reinforcement- a necessary evil in the world of trained animals. Just like a mom and her child, a trainer must discipline an animal as part of training. When Tilikum puts the ball in the basket he gets a fish, but when he throws it at another orca, he gets denied that yummy fish-that’s positive reinforcement; rewarding good behavior and withholding the award for bad.

Then there’s option 2, negative reinforcement. The trainer can punish a bad behavior- i.e., the animal may get a smaller fish for lunch or receive a tap of disapproval. You didn’t like it when your momma took away your ice cream, did you? What makes an Orca any different. It just so happens, on that fateful day that Tilikum killed his trainer, he was misbehaving at a prior show and was reprimanded for it; which brings us to the next point…

3. Killer whales have a killer memory.

Along With a huge brain comes a huge temporal lobe. This giant mush of cognition contains an almond –shaped, neuron-packed area called the amygdale, that holds onto memories- the good and the bad. In fact, the UK’s premier memory supplier for RAM and all things tech-memory related – is called ORCA . Maybe this was the day Tilikum retrieved some painful megabytes of hardrive…

4. It’s a hard knock life- Living in a bathtub.

Let’s face it – Orcas’ living conditions are not exactly ‘glamorous’. The United States Geologic Survey (USGS) estimates there to be 346,049,000,000,000,000,000 gallons of water in the oceans (yup we’re in the sixtillions now), whereas the Orlando SeaWorld aquarium tank holds a measly 7 million gallons. On top of that, the orcas are ushered in and out of these tanks via smaller ‘holding areas’ with controlled gates. The trainers are the gatekeepers; And, Tilikum and his whale friends know this.

5. Killer whales have feelings too!

Emotions. Animals. Two words that are so simple, yet when placed side by side in a sentence, cause a monsoon of debate.

Can Orcas feel? Scientific studies, field observations, and contributors on Answers.com claim – yes!

Orcas travel in pods- complex social groups. Within the group, individuals partake in monogamous relationships, cheating, ostracizing..you name it! They also experience jealousy, anger, bullying, and even exhibit revenge-seeking behaviors.

Tilikum is the saltwater Brad Pitt – this hunka’ chunka’ Orcan lovin’ has sired 13 kids- only to have each one taken from him as a whale toddler, ouch! that’s gotta hurt (the pop and pod). To top it off, he’s the biggest Orca in captivity – you gotta assume broski had some body issues going on.

6. Killer whales and humans are BFF.

Killer Whales are not naturally aggressive to humans- This is a fact. In the wild, they have been known to swim alongside divers and even protect them from sharks. Occasionally, due to curiosity, they have upturned a boat but have left the floating humans in peace. Even in captivity, violence towards trainers in theme parks or aquariums is an aberration (hence the pandemonium over this incident).

So why, Tilly? Why’d you do it?

Now we come to the raw guts of the case: Team Tilikum’s defensive strategy claims that he wanted to inspect the ponytail of Brancheau (a human he’s seen every day for the past 15 years), and simply played with her as a ‘water toy.’

Was curiosity and playfulness responsible for the drowning one of his trainers in 1991, at SeaLand in British Columbia, or the death of the man that crept into his Orlando tank in 1999?

Give me a break! To assume so, would be to disrespect the species and is just plain wrong.

The Verdict:

The Verdict is therefore involuntary manslaughter with motive to injure-justified by self defense; Defending a life in captivity after being ripped from Iceland’s coast, at the tender age of 2, and losing his family, his freedom, and his right to live out his life as wild orca.

The Sentence: Exoneration and mandatory community service in the form of looking cute and Shamu-like for visitors (Be a trooper, Tills- you are an ambassador for your species and hey, you got off pretty clean).

At the end of the day no one wants to see an orca with a flopped dorsal fin, it might just be one of the saddest sights in the whole wide world. A majestic symbol of beauty and nature confined to a swimming pool of humankind.

Yet, I am not a proponent of closing down the parks and releasing all marine life to the wild; SeaWorld is a real-life educational operation – which ‘owns’ 25 orcas and annually receives over 13 million visitors. That’s an impressive number (over half a million visitors, per orca, per year)! If even one percent of the people that experienced the orca became moved to help their cause – as did I, and Brancheau, the dedicated, skilled, and happy marine biologist who lost her life – then was its purpose served?

I believe the answer is yes.

Whether or not you agree with me, there is a way we can all help: How can we save the Whales?

Monogamy, your one and only
Not if you’re a cow or pony.
In the pasture lush and green
The bull and stallion check the scene.
They hook up with females one by one.
Smoke some grass when they are done (only in legalized states)
At the end of this flirtation
The female waits, she’s in  gestation.
Will Romeo  stay by her side
That’s not the case for the ruminant bride.

Gorillas, Orangutans have large harems
One male gets all and doesn’t share ‘em.
The alpha stomps and his knuckles pound
The females swoon and fight for ground.
They are in estrus, for a month and a day,
A bright pink booty develops to light the way
The alpha is noisy and quite chatty
Bragging how he became  the clan’s ‘baby daddy.’

Bullfrog calls are loud and deep,
Waking up the females from their beauty sleep.
They expand their larynx, the babes draw near
These males don’t play games, their intentions are clear.
It’s on to Amplexus (physically  locked together as one),
They each separate, after they’ve had their fun.
In 20% of cases, one parent sticks around,
But couples aren’t common –they’re rarely found.
From Darwin to Nova, scientists are going berserk
To figure out why amphibian couples just don’t work.

Skunks and ferrets make stinky hubbies
They scout for babes in the trees and at clubbies
When they find ‘em its wartime, a battle on land.
Each male is prepared with an anal stink gland
The spray comes out, like a shot from an uzi
The winner takes the females to the hotel Jacuzzi.
When his girl is preggers he moves on to the next,
The ladies are angry, but they do no protest.

Leafcutter ants don’t bother with dates
The female flies out and in mid-air mates.
A few males on the left and a few more on the right
She stores millions of sperm, en route, on her flight.
When she’s done with the males, they pass out and die
A colony she’ll form (who needs a guy?)
There are drones underneath  and  guard ants above
The hierarchy’s successful, but where is the love?

Last but not least, the yolk and albumin
Blastulate and gastrulate forming a human
The men show off biceps and buy women flowers
While the ladies wear make-up, they’ve put on for hours
The pair smile and bond, life is so happy
But sometimes the truth can be quiet crappy
She is a gold-digger, wants all his money
While he’s busy staring at some other honey

It’s his animal instincts, all right! What can he do?

And she’s providing for offspring, small salaries won’t do
Does mother nature win? Or can we control what we choose
And decide to be faithful, even when singing the blues.
If you look to the famous, like Clinton or Princess Di
You might give up hope, sit back and cry
But just when you think monogamy is absurd,
Do not fret my friends, look to the birds…

Are Birds Monogamous?

There is probably no holiday more controversial than National Bosses Day; A day created  to celebrate and appreciate the work of one’s boss. Huh!? You heard me right. No, not Employees Day…  Bosses Day.

The term ‘boss’ alone elicits fear, hate, disdain and so many other negative emotions and gastric reflexes, it is surprising that such a day even exists.  Many workers refer to it as ‘Pain-in-the-a$$ Day,’ ‘Suck-up –to-Satan Day’, or many other endearing terms that would best be defined using urbandictionary .com and some parental advisory.

So, Why do people hate their bosses so much? asks a WikiAnswers user.

A: It’s pretty simple-  The boss is in a position of extreme power. You are the subordinate;  weak  and helpless- the vulnerable underdog.
Let’s face it; No one likes getting ordered around, being told what to do and when to do it. Bossman, or Bosswoman,  can analyze your weak  performance and point out your imperfections . They can break you down slowly and silently so by the end of your your 9-5, you hand in your time card along with your dignity. Bosses can reduce your hours and your self-esteem. They can  rearrange your vacation days, create tension in your workspace, and hold  an invisible pink slip over your head.  The Boss says jump and you must  say ‘how high’.

Yipes! Why does this day even exist!???

I will tell you, my friends. It exists because every now and then you will come across a rare gem. Believe it or not, there are indeed bosses out there that do the best for their employees, that care for them, that even worry for their well being. I jest with you not.  When those above us choose to use their power  to create a person instead of destroy him, to train employees on how to use their skills for the benefit of the company  instead of belittling their errors, when the boss  promotes an environment of cheer, where thoughts and opinions are welcomed instead of suppressed – it humbles us. So much so, that the few that exist deserve a national holiday.

Leaders can reign through fear or love. Those who reign through love rally up the troops to help protect  and improve the whole. Those who rule with fear have much more success in the beginning but almost never succeed in the long run. Feared leaders must always worry about being overthrown. Hitler, Stalin, Mao Tse-Tung and Simon Cowell rule through fear. Gandhi, Princess Di, Churchill, Lincoln and  Richard Simmons rule by  love. In such a confusing world, what would nature have us choose?  There are many  animals that live in packs, pods, and other social groups, just like us . They also have one defined leader – so how do they succeed?

Well this is the part where I should say through love, that we should learn to hug and cuddle one another the way a group of fuzzy baby gorillas in diapers do- but it’s not the case. Most animal groups that have a leader- the alpha male (the rare alpha female and alpha pairs also exist)-are established via violence, force and terror .

• Take your typical pride  of lions. If Mr. Lion King wants to take over the pride, he fights the current alpha. If he wins, he kills all the offspring of the previous male (infanticide) and drives away any teenage competition.

• The Alpha wolf stands at the head of the pack. He leads the hunt, and gets first dibs on the kill. Although the members of the group share the rest of the freshly caught meat -along with the perks of protection and territory, they are reproductively suppressed. In fact,  if a male wolf so much looks at the Leader’s mate, he’s in trouble… Wolves use eye contact to establish rank and a wandering eye can mean a slash across the jaw.

• Next we have the hierarchical society of the common chicken. Throw in a few more hens – and chaos ensues until a new pecking order is established. Even worse, throw in a rooster and you have an all out cockfight on your hands. And they fight to the death by the way (care to place any bets, Pedro Martinez?).

• Alas, what about those baby gorillas mentioned? You guessed it; when they grow up they lead through fear – grunting, pushing and intimidating the heck out of the competition. Sometimes the males do cooperate with one another; If it involves mutiny.

In all these cases, groups stay successful for short periods  of time until the current leader is ousted, killed, or dethroned to a lower rank.

So wake up and smell the office coffee! Next time you are lucky enough to have a boss who doesn’t stare you down or cockfight you to mental  death, smile and appreciate it.  When your boss doesn’t eat your firstborn or intimidate you, realize how lucky you are! This goes against nature! Give back to your giving boss! Buy a cupcake and balloon and say ‘Thank You’ on National Bosses Day.

On behalf of myself and all the lucky employees of Answers.com, thank you Bob.

We all do it. We fake it.

We faked  our age when we wanted to get into that bar in high school, we fake being sick when we don’t want to take an exam. We fake a bad cell phone connection when we don’t want to talk to the person on the other end of the line. We fake tans, fake eye color and fake hair. We fake our height with heels. We fake steak  with tofu and we fake diamonds with cubic zirconium.

Heck, we even have fake pets – cyberpug anyone?  We fake drugs for placebo effect. We fake manners to be polite. We fake work when we are tired. We fake boobs and we fake our gut (inhale deeply, guys).

Ever had to stand up and make a speech? Unless you were born with Obama’s oratory skills, you probably had to fake some confidence.  We fake sports, like the WWE. And yes – as Elaine said – we fake that, too.

Most notable of all are fake labels. Yesterday my friend told me she got a monogram Vernis, Lois Vuitton bag –special edition Brentwood collection. It was $20, and it was fake.

She bought it  in Chinatown next to the fake perfume and fake Rolexes.
I can’t believe it! She said, “It even has the same inner lining as  the real one.”  She stroked her Louis with fragile admiration as though she had given birth to it herself.

“Jessica, it’s a fake,” I reminded her.

“So what!?  Nobody can tell, it looks real and that’s all that matters!”

Is that really  all that matters?

In a world where fakeness is everywhere, does it pay to be real?

In the Wild, many species’ survivability depends on being fake. How do animals  defend themselves in the wild by appearing to be something they’re not?, asks a WikiAnswers user.

A: Lizards such as the gecko and skink  are able to fake injury and loss of limbs. As the tail wiggles on its own,  it distracts the predator from the main entrée; The lizard can then run off and grow back its limbs in safety. Many Octopi have a similar talent- they can fake an arm amputation. The tentacles squirm while the octopus swims off in the opposite direction.

Puffer Fish are small spiky marine organisms that can blow up to 300% their size when scared-going from ‘tennis ball’ to ‘spiked basketball’ within seconds. Although it looks scary, it’s fake. The fish is just full of hot air.

At the Sriracha Zoo in Chonburi, Thailand, A female tiger, who had lost her cubs, nursed fake offspring: piglets adorned in tiger-print costumes.

Opossums fake death. ‘Playing possum’ is a well known animal defense mechanism .  When fear  sets in the opossum produces  biochemicals that induce a near coma, and release a foul ‘deathly’ smell from the anus. What self-respecting predator would want to eat yesterday’s leftover lunch meat?

In the animal world, faking it means making it. Animals fake it in order to protect themselves from danger. Whereas when people fake it, we are often putting ourselves in harm’s way. Fake tans can mean skin cancer. Fake IDs can mean DUI’s and jail time. Fake diamonds can lead to a sad fiancé. Fake Louis Vuittons can mean an end to free enterprise. And what about fake relationships – do we fake love?

Should you go out on a fake a date with a guy in order to get the guy you really like jealous?, asks a WikiAnswers user.

A: Bad idea!
What if this “fake date” makes him angry instead of jealous and he decides to go out with someone else instead? And what about the fake date. If he really likes you he will be hurt when he finds out you just used him. A good relationship takes honesty. Faking a date to make someone jealous will just end up hurting all 3 of you.

So there you have it: physically speaking, a little fakeness can go a long way, but mentally, you gotta keep it real.

Patrick Swayze: The Dirty Dancer and the Ghost.

He was People’s ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ in 1991 and depicted the face of the Civil War in ‘North and South.’ He was a singer and a licensed pilot.  When you think of Patrick Swayze, images of grace and  the human physique fill your brain. You may get the song ‘Hungry Eyes’ stuck in your head as you see a charismatic dancer smiling.  Or maybe, you have an image of a man hanging off a jagged mountain cliff in an action scene. For many people, he is gently smoothing  out clay on a potter’s wheel.

All these images are iconic of Patrick Swayze – but not the image of cancer.

Patrick Swayze died on September 14th, 2009 from complications due to pancreatic cancer.  For many Americans and global fans alike, Patrick Swayze was a not just a good actor but a great guy. He was married to his only wife, Lisa Niemi, for 37 years (a feat practically unheard of in Hollywood).  He was the son of a cowboy and a fun older brother to two adopted siblings.

But perhaps most of all, he had a soft spot for animals, particularly horses.

Do pet owners sometimes take on the characteristics of their pets?
A: Yes. Horse owners often get a longing for outdoors and nature when riding alongside their horse. Cat owners can take on the quite and observant demeanor of their pets. Even prisonmates have been known to become more friendly and outgoing after being assigned as pet owners to Golden retrievers (in specialized animal programs).

When asked what attracted him to Egyptian Arabian horses, Swayze answered, “Their beauty. I like the form of the head, the proud trot, the harmonious physique. Everything fits together and is in accord. There is a natural balance.”

Patrick Swayze’s  ‘trotting’ has forever left a mark in the dance hall of fame. And, as for nature and balance, Mr. Swayze competed with one of  his favorite horses, Wasel, in the 1995 Qatar desert marathon (a 26-mile race). “I got to do my dream, “ he said, “ I got to ride an Arabian horse in the deserts from whence they come. I am a romantic fool to a fault.”

Midway through the race , the horse experienced saddle problems. Patrick Swayze threw off the saddle and rode the animal bareback. This resulted in him being  among the last to cross the finish line. As they say, ‘It’s not always when you get to the finish line, but how you get there that counts.’

True to this phrase, Patrick Swayze was an optimist to his dying day.  Just as the peaceful horse chews grass and frolics in the pasture, Patrick Swayze took on this same line of thought. Horses are not hunters.  “That’s one thing I’m not gonna do, is chase, is chase staying alive… You’ll spend so much time chasing staying alive you won’t live, you know? I wanna live.”

“I’m cooking. I’m a miracle dude. I don’t know why,” he said.

Asks a WA user:

What is Patrick Swayze most remembered for?
A: The way he moved his body on the dance floor and the way he moved our hearts on the screen.

The Shoe.

It’s a simple word and it has a simple purpose: To cover the foot and provide a rigid base on which the sole and heel can walk. Yet, this same word has the power to elicit squeals of joy and tears of happiness from women all over the world. The shoe has the ability to establish wealth and status. It can raise your height and correct your stature. But most of all, women love shoes because well, they are just so darn cute!  (Even  Cinderella fell in love with the prince because he found  her lost glass slipper). But this obsession with shoes is not new, it goes as far back as humanity itself…

The oldest known shoe found, is a 5,300-year-old “Ice Man” shoe in the Tyrolean Alps made of animal hide and wood netting.  It was stuffed with straw and moss for padding (the caveman was a long distant relative of Dr Scholl’s).

Next we have Pharaoh and Cleopatra. Egypt is a hot country with a blazing sun. When these rulers walked around the sand  they preferred  to do it in golden, open-toed sandals. And really,  who wants to get a farmer’s tan on your feet?

The Romans were not just great warriors, they were also great shoemakers. They are documented as the first to develop shoes fitted specifically for the left and right feet. Take a look around today, ‘Gladiators’ are the latest footwear trend, worn by top models and school children alike.

Who can forget the classic klompen ? The traditional all-wooden clogs were worn by factory workers in the Netherlands to avoid sharp objects, but were quickly prized for their fun clatter as the wood strikes the pavement. Dutch dancers are still clonking away today.

The ultimate winner in shoe comfort goes to the Native Americans. Sitting Bull and Pocahontas knew they were onto something when they put on those cozy warm moccasins. If I were John Smith I would’ve wanted to walk down the aisle in moccasins too.

Add some material around the calf, and poof – you get boots!  Whether you are in the Russian army or a cowboy in Texas: rough weather, war and animals meant  putting on your boots.

Remove some material  from the standard shoe and you get the highly versatile flip-flop. Slip it on for the beach and slip it off for the pool. Easy as 1, 2, 3! FYI: If you see a sign in front of a fancy restaurant in England or Australia that reads ‘No Thongs,’ they are talking about your footwear.

Alas! I save the best for last.  The high heel came into fashion with Elizabeth’s reign in the late 16th century.  Proper heels were worn by both men and women; often colorfully decorated with rosettes, lace, ribbon,  and embroidery. Even King Louis XIV of France was known for his red leather heels.

In fact, the shoe is so ingrained into our society and culture, some may argue the affinity to footwear is borderline unhealthy… How many pairs of shoes does the average woman own?

Answer: On average, a female from ages 13-16 may own about 15 pair of shoes including sneakers.
Older women 16-21, who perhaps have a job: 25-40 pairs
A mature woman 25-50, anywhere from 40-60 pair of shoes.

That is quite a lot of shoes. What about animals; they have shoes too. Why do horses wear shoes?

Answer: A horseshoe is a “U”-shaped item made of metal, steel, iron or a modern synthetic materials that is nailed or glued to the hooves of horses. In the wild, horses walk on meadows, dirt and other softer surfaces. But horses in captivity walk on gravel, roads, rocks plus they are carrying the extra weight of a person or supplies. The horseshoes provide protection to the hooves and maintains a relatively flat surface. Different types of horseshoes are available to match the types of activity.

So horses wear shoes for utility, while people decorate their shoes for a myriad of superficial reasons. Is this so wrong?  My pointy toed , jewel crested 4 inch suede heels may not have a lot of utility (in fact they are quite painful) but they do have a lot of sole!

‘Ooh I love it!’  My friend screamed in the middle of the car dealership. Although we all know they are a target for the cops, she was instantly taken by the  glitzy red Ferrari. ‘It’s so pretty and shiny and exciting, I want it!’

As we rolled down the block for a test drive,  pedestrians left and right turned their heads to the car. ‘This is ridiculous,’ I thought.  But, I couldn’t help stare at it myself. Humans are wired to be attracted to bright things.

The casinos in Vegas draw us in like a fly to a fluorescent light.  An ice cream cone doesn’t look quite the same without those colored sprinkles.  Take a walk down 5th Ave and watch the heads turn at the Tiffany’s window – diamonds and 14 karat gold sparkling everywhere (guys, don’t tell me that you don’t take a quick glance at the latest Rolex models). Rainbow Brite would not have been so popular if she were named ‘Rainbow shades of Black and Grey’.

And hey, let’s be honest- I’m not saying blondes have all the fun, but study after study shows they do get much more attention than the average brunette.

Yet, in the animal world, the exact opposite occurs. Bright colors are synonymous with danger. Animals are trained to stay away from pretty, shiny, glowing creatures. Phosphorescence is a clear warning sign ‘poison up ahead’. Spots and bold patterns mean ‘back off buddy.’

Take the Blue ringed octopus of Australia for example: one bite can kill 26 humans. The Coral snake of North America has funky bands and stripes on its body to warn of it’s neurotoxic venom.

You know  that cute little  arrow dart frog that looks like porcelain and fits in your hand? It secretes a chemical, Homobatrachotoxin, 500 times more potent than morphine. Non-coincidentally,  scientists just discovered that a bright black and orange  bird from New Guinea, called the Hooded Pitohui, actually carries this same toxin in its feathers.

Need I even mention the infamous Monarch butterfly; How many innocent lizards have met an ill fate ingesting one of these flying candy canes? RIP, my little dinosaur friends.

Heck, it’s so effective to be obnoxiously beautiful, different species try to mimic the same aposematic color patterns of their toxic friends.  In the biological world this is known as Batesian Mimicry; blonde hair dye anyone?

So, If bright colors are dangerous, why are humans drawn to them while most species know to stay away? Maybe we should take a hint from our animal counterparts instead of learning it the hard way, as one WikiAnswers user asked:

Are blonde girls more likely to break your heart?

Yes they are.

Their yellow hair stands out in a crowd. Blondes pretty much know the power they have over men and women. Don’t be fooled.

So, there you have it, all you need in life to stay happy and safe is a brunette.