no.stupid.answers

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry about this one, so I’m just gonna play it straight: How do you get closure on or get back with your ex when the state has put a restraining order between you both? (Which makes me wonder… If you have a restraining order on a person, can you even contact them?)

What if you suspect a little marital infidelity? Can you get a restraining order on your wife’s boyfriend? The answer is you can keep him away (from you and from your wife) if you can justify it in front of a judge. But be careful to play your cards right - in some states, her paramour might be able to file back at you in some states.

Elsewhere in WikiAnswers land, someone must have been really sick of babka and cheek-pinching to have asked, Can I get a restraining order against Grandmother? If you’re aiming for a heart attack, honey, a fake restraining order will do. And unless she’s truly dangerous, try talking to her.

Some of these questions sound amusing out of context, but restraining orders - though temporary - are serious business. Courts issue restraining orders to protect a person from physical pain or injury (or threat of pain or injury). They are free, can be issued on the spot, and you don’t need a lawyer to get one.

If you are looking for legal information about how to apply for a restraining order, the Legal Assistance Resource Center of Connecticut has a comprehensive guide.

For those of you who aren’t ready to take legal action but are still curious about getting that extra mile or two of personal space, here are some more facts about restraining orders:

• Who can a restraining order be filed against?
• How much does a restraining order cost?
• Is a restraining order valid if the person’s name is misspelled?
• Does a restraining order keep you from getting a job?
• How do you end a restraining order?

Why do women want to be hugged? Now there’s a real puzzler.

For such a simple gesture, hugging sure does need a lot of demystifyin’. And while men often wonder about one aspect in particular - why on EARTH hugs are so important to women - these same women, ever conscious of the unidirectional nature of their need, prefer to examine it in every. single. possible. way.

Luckily, our WikiAnswers community has authored a Guide to Hugging, and it goes like this:

Part 1: How to hug

The Wise Ones of WikiAnswers advise us on how to ask a boy for a hug (hold out your arms, and if he asks what you’re doing, reply: “I want a hug!”*), and how to do that without embarrassing yourself (hint: get a wing man).

Their knowledge extends to boyfriends (How do you get your boyfriend to hug you? Stand there with a really cute look on your face, like you’re expecting something from him… If he doesn’t hug you, cry. If he still doesn’t hug you, dump him) and husbands (How do I hug my husband? Start with a beer and just let him know you’re there); the shy (How do you give a real loving hug if you’re shy? Start slow) and the passionate (How do you hug passionately? Really mean it when you hug).

(* If he doesn’t ask, assume he thinks you’re impersonating Superman. Escape the ensuing awkward moment by telling him you’re practicing for the upcoming comic books convention. And then try to escape that awkward moment.)

Part 2: Hug protocol

Hugs are harmless, right? A gentle expression of support or comfort or affection. So are they always appropriate? The Wise Ones say… it depends.

For instance, what does it mean when a 30-year-old woman hugs a 14-year-old boy a lot, and should it be happening? (unless she’s family, probably not). Should you hug a guy after you’ve broken up with him and it’s time for him to move out? (sure. You’ve spent a part of your life together with good memories and it’s a tough decision to make; you will surely miss each other).

Even if the hug is appropriate, the logistics might not be (chuckle chuckle…). If you’re, say, 5 feet tall and the person you’re hugging is 5′8″, where do you put your arms?

The protocol is strangely silent about the ideal way to hug a guy around his friends and what to do if a girl sees her boyfriend hugging another girl and gets mad. Maybe you have some ideas of your own.

Part 3: Five things you always wanted to know about hugging

1. How can you avoid makeup stains? Use a translucent powder to set foundation; it will help keep it from coming off on white shirts during a hug.
2. Why do dogs jump at people when they hug? The dog’s jealous. Make it a group hug.
3. Why do people rub or pat your back when they hug you? Since you asked… they rub because they care, and they pat because they’re uncomfortable.
4. Can you become pregnant if you hug a guy? Yes, but it would be a coincidence. In other words, not because you hugged him. In other words… no way. But you knew that.
5. When is Hug Day? January 21. But hugs are great 24/7/365.

A parting hug word

The bottom line is, a hug speaks a thousand words and can be effective when nothing else is. Don’t worry too much about the rules. Trust your instincts, invoke the spirit of reckless abandon, and hug it up!

There are a lot of questions on WikiAnswers about Virgo, like this one. But the sixth sign of the zodiac, while a stellar topic, is not really the point of this post. Today in Tainted Love, we explore Virgos themselves. We’re here for some answers. So, folks, let’s see how we do.

Angry Virgo boy

How do I annoy thee? Let me count the ways. Ah, but this is no ordinary button-pushing. What we have here is a very special, very specific request:

What can you do to make a Virgo boy angry?

Virgos are known to be meticulous and reliable. To really irk a Virgo, try arriving late to his romantic dinner date and then telling him loudly (making a scene in the obviously sophisticated restaurant) that his tie knot is crooked. Alternatively, go to his apartment, unfold all his white undershirts, and toss them on the floor in a heap.

Online dating is not the only answer

So while you’re busy trying to make your boy angry, he’s got a totally different goal. He’s aiming for the opposite, and he desperately needs your help:

How does a Virgo boy attract a Virgo girl?

Please answer his question. If you do, he might just fall for you… and if you’re lucky, you’ll even notice :)

Virgo in love??

Virgos may wear love differently than the rest of us - at least, that would explain this question:

What are the signs a Virgo has fallen in love?

Perhaps Virgos aren’t as obvious (or amorous) as the other 11 signs. They’re shy (no public displays of affection) and practical (no sweeping things off desks in a moment of passion), not to mention perfectionistic, overcritical and easily worried. No wonder people can’t tell when a Virgo’s in love. And that brings us to our next question…

Silver lining!

What are the strengths of a Virgo?

That’s easy. They have a reputation for being honest. Reliable. Pure. And courteous. Among other things. And so we reach our happy and most natural ending:

What diamond is suitable for a Virgo?

Now go get your Virgo!

You never really have the answers about love until you have them. And even then, they can’t really be put into words. But oh, the questions! The burning questions! For example:

• Why are men mean?
• Why are girls so mischievous?

Seriously? But why?!

It’s not surprising that there are so many unexplainables when it comes to love. I doubt we ourselves know why we do the zany - sometimes desperate - things we do. And we’re endlessly curious about the love aberrations of others, whether they be celebrities or former lovers. For instance, I gotta know: When Rihanna and Chris had a fight, did Rihanna throw piano pieces at him? And Why is my ex still texting me?

SOS

Sometimes we’re just at a loss, fearing we will never be loved (or loved back) or wondering how far to go to preserve the love we do have. Worse yet, we don’t even know HOW we feel.

A rose by any other name…

Sometimes we do know exactly how we feel. And we know just how to say it. But… not in the right language. Wikiers asked this week:

• How do you say “I’m going to passionately kiss you” in French?
• How do you say “high off love” in Spanish?
• What is Samoan for “I don’t love you”?

Until next time…

If you’re still hungry for questions, grab your laptop (and maybe some popcorn), lie back on your favorite Freudian settee, and follow this column as I delve deeper into the woes of wooing, the subtexts of texting, foreign amore and, of course, the lovestyles of the rich and famous.